The Bi-Yearly Trek to IKEA

Well, it’s February, so that means IKEA time.  Out with the old, in with the new… etc.

I’m sure many of you around the world shop at IKEA, and from what I’ve seen, the experience seems universally the same. Let me walk you through the classic IKEA adventure – see if this sounds familiar.

image shows Ikea department store

Step 1: Arrive at IKEA

The journey begins. After circling for that magical parking spot and instead, ending up about 30 places back near a giant icy puddle, you park your car, haul your complaining kids to the entrance, and perform the ceremonial drop-off at the play center. This is crucial. You’ve got exactly ONE hour of freedom before you need to retrieve them. Time is of the essence.

Step 2: Enter the Showroom

The first floor overwhelms your senses. SO. MANY. NEW. PRODUCTS. You wander around in a daze. After 10 minutes, reality kicks in: You only have 50 minutes left until you have to pick up the kids! PANIC! You kick it into high gear, dodging slow walkers and avoiding the temptation of sitting on a few more display sofas.

Step 3: The Marketplace Trap

Just when you think you’ve mastered efficiency, you hit the small item section. And that’s when IKEA really gets you.

  • Napkins, half off? Into the cart.
  • Dish brushes for the lowest price you’ve ever seen? Stock up!
  • Salad spinner? Sure, you already have one, but this one is blue!
image shows 3 Ikea dish brushes

Step 4: The Detour of Doom

By some miracle, you escape the marketplace… only to find yourself lingering in the carpet section. Suddenly, you’re questioning your entire home aesthetic.

  • “What if we tried a purple living room?”
  • “Is shag making a comeback?”

Only 15 minutes left. Get moving!

Step 5: The Warehouse Letdown

You finally make it to the warehouse, only to discover that the one item you actually came for is out of stock. You tell yourself you’ll be sure to “check online next time,” knowing full well you’ll be back here next season without looking up a thing.

Step 6: Checkout Chaos

The checkout line is sooo slow. The person in front of you is arguing over the price of a lamp. You want to yell at them, “Don’t you know the rules? IKEA knows all. If they say it’s 20, it’s 20!”

Finally, it’s your turn, and you shove your items through as quickly as possible, now questioning whether you really needed 4 sets of napkins, but there’s no time to argue. Just pay the nice cashier and go!

image shows the Ikea checkout

Step 7: The Final Sprint

Carefully balancing over-packed blue bags (of course everything will fit in these, I don’t need to buy an extra!), you awkwardly run to the play center with 1 minute to go. Because you know if you’re even one second late, IKEA gets to keep the kids for display purposes. Those are the rules. (Or at least that’s what I imagine. I’ve never tried to go against IKEA.)

And of course, when you finally collect your kids, they complain:
“You’re here already? We barely got to do anything!”

And there it is: another successful (?) IKEA trip. Sure, you didn’t get the shelves, but you now own four more dish brushes, a purple carpet, and a lifetime supply of napkins.

Until next time, IKEA.

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